She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize