they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
