Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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