The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
