Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
