Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just found puke in my bra..
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
