I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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