come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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