got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
