i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
