Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize