life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
