If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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