My nipple is on Facebook.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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