He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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