I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize