i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
