Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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