fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i now understand why vodka
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize