so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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