I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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