Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize