i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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