I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
