You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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