You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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