I hate your face
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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