Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize