You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
