My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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