i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Randomize
