My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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