Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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