in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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