evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
