I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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