This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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