Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
