That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
