Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I want her autograph on my taint
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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