Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
