Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
