If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
