my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
