i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
