My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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