please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
