The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
