Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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