M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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