i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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