my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
