He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
