rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
