I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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