walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
