we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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